If you would rather listen, please click here.

Are you getting the reactions that you want when you have to deliver less than positive feedback to someone?  Or do you get a confused look with your neutral directions?

This is a very quick way to learn how to give someone feedback based on sensory perceptions rather than on value judgments.  It will help you learn how to use your words in a way that will further your chances of getting the outcome you want.

Why?  Because when you give someone your judgment of their value or behavior, you are going to risk hurting feelings, damaging egos, and not getting the behavior you really wanted in the first place.

Let’s take an example from home rather than work, but this applies to every aspect of your life.  If you can articulate your words so that you give feedback and directions with your senses and measurements directing what change you want, you are much more likely to keep the relationship on a good note and get the outcome that you want. 

Let’s say (hypothetically) that you tripped over your son’s shoes by the front door and you are pretty heated because you’ve asked him several times to not leave every single pair of shoes he owns laying by the front door and besides that, your shin is now bruised.

He is upstairs rocking to the iPod and didn’t even hear you come home. Now if you get his attention by running into his room and yelling to him that he never listens to anything you say and why is he such a lazy slob, well - - - you can just imagine the outcome of that interchange.  He doesn’t know if you are talking about school grades, laundry, household chores, yard duties, or taking out the garbage.  Although you know exactly what your mind is seeing, he doesn’t!  He’s left guessing, and in a diminished state to rectify it too.

What if, instead, you tell him that you just tripped over three pairs of his shoes by the front door and went flying into the side table?  You tell him that you are ticked about tripping tonight when you came home.  You tell him that you are disappointed he didn’t keep the commitment he made yesterday about picking up after himself so that you didn’t have to do a football tire training exercise every time you walk in the door.  And that you expect an apology and that he should immediately go put the shoes where they belonged in the front hall closet or his bedroom closet. 

You are much more likely to get the shoes picked up, get a sincere apology and statement of concern for the bruising, and probably even an offer to help make dinner or set the table that evening.

Totally different dinner in your house tonight, huh?  You got your son to see the consequences of his behavior and rectify it, and you get to have dinner in peace and harmony rather than with hostile silence from a teen.  And in the future, he will likely be more motivated to pick up after himself because you expressed your anger and disappointment with respect.

Can you relate that to a work situation where you have to deliver bad news about performance, yet want that employee to continue being loyal and delivering their best?

So how are you going to learn to do this?  Warning.  If you don’t actually do this exercise, you won’t get the point of the article.  You have to do it to believe it.

You will need to get a group of friends or family together, at least 3 of you to get the experience.

Have person #1 and person #2 face each.  Have person #3 stand behind #2 facing person #1.  So person #1 can clearly see person #3, but #2 can’t see #3.

Person #1         Person #2                  Person #3

O à                        ß O                            ß O

Now person 3 is going to do a stationary pantomime, like a strong man muscle contest, or a ballet dancer, or a Vanna White look at this pose.   Don’t choose anything too difficult because they will have to hold that body stance for a while.   Person 2 has to put their body in exactly the same stationary pantomime based solely on how Person 1’s words instruct them.  Person 1 is the director and can only use words to describe the position #2 needs to assume.  This is going to be the exact opposite of a pantomime from the director. 

When person 2 gets into the same position as person 3, give them a hand.  It’s really harder than it would seem, isn’t it?  It takes practice to give specific sensory information rather than value judgments or your internal meanings and interpretations.

If the director says something like “look silly” or “look like a clown”, person #2 can certainly put on a silly pose, but how close is it to what person #1 wanted so that he could look like person #3? 

Or if the person says, “Do one of those ballet poses” - - what exactly would that be like?  The director has to precisely say which body part to move and where to move it, and how far, etc.

Giving feedback by reporting what you see, hear and feel is going to dramatically help you in getting the behaviors you want from those around you all while keeping good relationships.  You can say almost anything by reporting what your senses perceive rather than stating your value judgment of their behavior because they are likely to feel that you are making character attacks.

If you take the time to actually do this exercise, the next time you need to give feedback, you will have a much broader choice of options, and I can guarantee, you will have a better relationship and the a better chance of getting the outcomes you want.